she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
