I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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