she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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