Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
