I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
