Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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