I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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