Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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