guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
