so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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