STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
