I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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