my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
