Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
