she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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