Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
