The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
