Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
