I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
