So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
