I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
