You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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