At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
