First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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