so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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