woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
