im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my being single is dangerous.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
