you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
