I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
