hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
