mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
where are you?
Hypothermia
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
