I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
