She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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