Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
