closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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