Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
