Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
