So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
