Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
do nipples grow back?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
