She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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