you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
