despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
