Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
