I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
