you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
