Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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