Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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