Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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