i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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