Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
