I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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