is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
