I think I died a long time ago.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
