So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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