I just threw up on my dentist
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
